Kiku and Alfred's Food Vine
by Bri Nara
Summary: Alfred tries to record a vine involving food with Kiku. Crack fic


_This is a collaborative crack fic that I wrote with a friend late at night after she showed me a rather... weird video. I was Japan and she was America. I don't own Hetalia._

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Kiku held up the iPhone in his hand as steadily as he could. He gave Alfred one last look of concern before he gave him a thumbs up to start the vine.

Alfred gave his Japanese friend a thumbs up back, and tried to steady himself in front of the fridge. He had seen so many others before him do the same trick, and he wanted to replicate it for himself and his 'millions of loyal followers'. "Kiku, bro?"

"I'm not really sure if this is a good idea, Alfred," Kiku said quietly. "I mean, even if it is only for six seconds…" He started to lower the iPhone and looked away.

Alfred saw the flash that was created when Kiku hit the record button, and he knew that it was now or never. "Hey dudes, I'm America, and this is jack ass!" Alfred then picked up his entire fridge, which was bolted to the floor, and dumped it all on his head at once, letting out a...rather large grunting noise. He then paused at the four second mark, and quietly whispered, "Do it for the vine."

Kiku flinched at the loud chatter of every item in the fridge either hitting Alfred or the floor. His eyes widened in shock as he realized his mistake. "Um… Alfred?"

Alfred wiped a stray jalapeno out of his eye before running to the sink and splashing cold water all over his exposed skin. Why hadn't anyone told him that this was going to be a bad idea? Not to mention that he was going to have to go grocery shopping after all of this. "We need to find the right food," He concluded, finally getting all of the acid juice out of his eyeball. He saw Kiku's worried expression on his face, and dared to ask, "What? Do I got somethin' on my face?"

"The…" He tried to find the best way to say it. "The camera wasn't pointing at you when you did it, Alfred."

"WHAT?!" Alfred screamed, making a stray chunk of bologna fall into his mouth. He ran back over to the sink, gulped a big swig of water into his mouth, and then walked over to the scene. Random condiments and...lunch meat? How long had that been in his fridge? He spit the water towards his Japanese friend, seeing the damage that he had created.

Kiku jumped away from the water in disgust. "I'm sorry!" he said earnestly. "We can try again! We can… We can even use my fridge to make up for messing up the shot!" He internally cringed at having to waste so much food in twenty-four hours but Alfred was his friend, after all.

Alfred walked over to his friend, and put a hand lightly on his right shoulder. "Bro, I know that times are lookin' kinda rough right now…" He stepped in front of the scene to cover up the horror that his friend was witnessing. "We just need a food that'll crack on my head on impact."

"How about eggs?" he suggested. Not that any of the eggs in Alfred's fridge survived the vine.

"Eggs are in like every vine, bro. I've got millions of followers to care to. You ever see that video of that girl showering with a bunch of food and shit? We could do something like that!"

"Yes, I have seen it." Kiku put a finger beneath his chin. "I supposed that could work. We'd have to get different foods than the ones she used though." He went through a mental list of what he could remember from that video, but the only notable foods he remembered were peanut butter and cereal.

"SO THEN LET'S TOTALLY DO THAT!" Alfred shouted, grabbing his keys out of his pockets and dragging his friend out of the door. He got into his car, which he had literally bought just the other week, and threw Kiku into the passenger's side. He put the car into reverse, and fuckin' FLOORED IT to the supermarket, all in reverse. He obviously didn't care that he was getting parts of food everywhere, or the fact that he magically didn't run anybody over in the process of constantly being in reverse. They made it into the market, and with Kiku being terrified, Alfred stuck him into a shopping cart, where Kiku remained in the fetal position. Alfred went up to one of the workers, completely covered in food particles, and quickly asked her, "Where do you have the food that will go good with vines?"

The clerk at first looked incredibly surprised by the man covered in food in front of her. Then she looked him over and her eyes brightened in delight. Kiku figured that she must have been one of Alfred's 'millions of followers.' She eagerly pointed over to one of the aisles.

Alfred blew the clerk a kiss as he walked down the aisle, still pushing Kiku inside of the cart. "So, should we get milk or sweet chili sauce?" Alfred was looking in all of the directions, when he finally got an idea. "Bro, get the camera ready.'

Kiku straightened up a bit in the shopping cart. He pulled out the iphone and looked up to Alfred. "What are you planning to do?"

"Just watch," Alfred motioned for his friend to go, and when he started recording, he then screamed, "Do it for the vine!" And ran as fast as he could into the egg section, knocking into the back of the cooler and into one of the employees.

Kiku witnessed a mess that was probably bigger than Alfred's first attempt at the vine. The poor worker that he brought down with him glared down the two of them.

And that's how they got banned from Walmart for a vine. The end.

 **I haven't written much in a while but, uh, enjoy?**


End file.
